The Weakness in Me?

There is a song by Joan Armatrading that has been a favorite of mine for a long time.  It’s called “The Weakness in Me.” I first heard it in the movie, “10 Things I Hate About You,” when the main characters are in a bookstore. The song plays softly in the background during a very emotional scene. The song has a line in it that says, “Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?”

Today as I write this blog that song is in my head, that line in particular. You see during recent personal growth work I have realized that for most of my life I have been believing I am weak. This type of deep core belief – the kind of belief we’re in many ways unconscious to – runs in the background of our lives.  In fact, most often we’d argue that we’re the direct opposite of what we’re deep down believing our ourselves. I would argue you under the table that I’m strong! And the truth is, I am. However, weak has been on repeat for me since childhood. I see how I could have put it in place coming from an abusive home. I have no memory of anyone telling me I was weak – though I can see how someone would tell me to be strong. For much of my life I played out the, “I have to be strong” drama. I took on a heavy-handed role of responsibility wherein I went above and beyond and pushed myself to be strong. I can see how when that wasn’t noticed or “nothing changed” I began to see myself as weak. But I also see that even back then I attached action to the weak judgment. I believed that people who took abuse, or were abused, people who stayed in that situation and didn’t fight for themselves or get away – were weak.

I see how I began judging myself as weak for staying in relationships where I was cheated on, lied to, or abused. I see how perhaps weak has been with me all along…perhaps a part of why I’m here on this karmic journey because even in my early youth there were mirrors of it.

I have carried this belief forward – avoiding looking at weak, hiding it, by being almost defiantly strong at times. I’ve done this by overloading myself, overwhelming myself, overburdening myself. I’ve taken on responsibility – even making myself responsible for others when that’s not mine to own. I’ve filled my plate up over and over and over – not allowing myself down time, free time – freedom. I’ve literally shackled myself in weak, made myself a prisoner of it by being so defiantly strong, putting so much on my plate.  I “didn’t have room for weak,” yet, weak has played out the whole time. I’ve used school as an avoidance of life. I’ve used many other outside experiences, and doings to fill the space so that I didn’t have to look at what was going on – so I didn’t have to go within and face my truth. I’ve used it as a way to not allow myself to take time for me, and allow myself to recharge – then judging myself for it, judging it as weak because in doing that I’m not following through on commitments I’m asking my students to follow through on.

Throughout this process I have brought events, experiences, and people into my life that mirror me. These things have been beautiful partners in this karmic dance. I’ve been in this waltz a long time. I choose to step off the dance floor of weak. Weak will no longer control or define me. I choose to no longer identify as weak. Weak is not my truth. It shall define me no more. I am capable of moving through life gracefully – trusting that everything that has happened was happening for me to propel me down my karmic path. And that path – my cosmic journey – has been beautiful just as it was.

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