In the 03/29/18 Blue Independence class I led a Blue Talk (Running from Pain) about pain and the cycle we as humans get in to seek relief from emotional and physical pain. This talk came about after I attended a seminar led by Tim Hilton. The seminar was called “The Addicted Brain” and in it Mr. Hilton explained the pattern and cycle of addiction, including how it affects the human brain physiologically. In the talk he presented an interesting formula for the cycle that addicts get in.
Pain + (Drug of Choice) = Relief.
Fill in the blank with your own personal Drug of Choice. If you think you don’t have one, look again: drugs, alcohol, food, television, sex, social media, working out, another person, fixing people, sleep, shopping, etc. These are just some of the ways we, as humans, try to get relief from pain. All of these are codependent behaviors – the addiction to look elsewhere…to seek relief outside of ourselves through whatever means.
This week, being willing to face and accept pain, I have been introduced to pain I didn’t know I was running from. My perceived wound of Victim is really asking to be healed and I didn’t realize just how alone in this world, spiritually, I’ve been believing I am. I see how much, and how often, I react from the space of Victim. And in reality, that belief…that “pain” isn’t even real. It’s just something my mind (ego) made up. I’ve been running, trying to find relief, for something that Isn’t Even There!!! Unworthy and Undeserving have come up too. Again, they aren’t even true! But my belief that they are is causing me to be in this seemingly endless cycle of validation seeking! “If I can just prove that I’m enough then this pain will stop!” “If I can just prove that I’m worthy then I won’t feel like this.” And the thing is – when I’m in this cycle, I’m not actually FEELING my emotions. So, I don’t really know what I’m feeling. I’m reacting solely from belief and mindchatter. In that space, I tend to be ungrounded, scattered, and in fight-or-flight mode. Anxiety is more prone to sneak in and I see people around me as enemies waiting to attack me. In that space, I don’t see God. I don’t feel God. I don’t trust. I don’t believe I am safe. I begin to shy away from prayer & meditation because to be still would mean facing Victim, Unworthy, and Undeserving – and if I had to stop to be with those shadows I would “see that God doesn’t love me or want me and I am a disappointment.” In this space, I am 100% caught up in the illusion of my ego that I am separate and alone. I don’t in anyway see my Christ light. I am living as the small self, in spiritual ignorance (avidya), having forgotten that who I AM is the higher Self that is a constant state of Grace.
All because I am caught up in the illusion that I believe I am an unworthy, undeserving victim.
“Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.” (Romans 12:2)
If I change those thoughts, I remember what’s really true when I take off the Maya (illusion) glasses. I see from spiritual eyes instead of human-ego eyes. I remember that I am safe. I trust. And I not only see God – I feel and experience God. I am more compassionate. I operate in self-love and that reaches outward into the world.
When I am willing to both transform my mind and be transformed by God through this work, I see that I could never be a disappointment to God (nor to any human being). I see that I am loved, period the end, and that NOTHING I could ever do would change that. Then, when I believe and accept Divine Love – really open my heart and let it in – I am in a new cycle. I am now in the cycle of Love instead of Pain. I no longer seek relief from the illusion of pain. I am no longer led by the wound. I am led by love. So, what if I changed the cycle? What if I looked at the pain cycle in a new light?
Pain + Love = Relief.
And I’m talking about real, Divine love. I’m not talking about romantic love, ego based “love.” fear based “love,” or what A Course in Miracles calls “special relationship” love. I’m talking about the love that brings “a peace that surpasses all understanding.” (Philippians 4:7) I’m talking about a love that comes from gnosis (knowledge) – and it is the deepest of spiritual knowing (vidya). This is true knowing that comes when I don’t just believe it – I feel it…and feel it so much that I really get that I AM it. Because, let’s be clear, seeking Divine Love outwardly is being caught up in both codependency & the pain cycle. That love cannot be found outside of you. It can ONLY be found within you because that’s the only place it has ever been.
So, to really break free from the pain cycle, to know love and know peace you must remember what you’ve forgotten you know. And to do that – you must be still. When you are still, yes, you might feel the pain. But you must feel it to heal it. But when you face it, and feel it, something changes. It’s not quite the big bad you thought it was. Your perspective changes because you are no longer looking through the eyes of fear. You true vison (citta) is not quite as clouded with illusion (Maya) and the mindchatter (vritti) slows down. As more stillness comes, the more you feel connected…the more you feel Divine Union…the more you experience God (samadhi.)
“Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)
This is The Yoga: “Yoga is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind.” (Sutra 1:2) And the point of that stillness – is to experience God with no separation.
When the fluctuations stop – the peace comes. Then the formula changes again:
Pain + Stillness = Peace
And the more the fluctuations stop – the more the illusion of pain dissipates. Then the formula changes again:
Stillness = Peace
And from that space – Love and True Nature are remembered. When you remember them within yourself – you see them in others.
Then there is no pain. There is only Love.
I see you,